


Catharsis

by wolfie_winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Deserves to be Saved, Castiel Needs a Hug, Castiel-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Episode: s11e18 Hells Angel, Gen, Insecure Castiel, Stop Hurting Cas 2k16, Team Free Will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 20:58:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6487168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfie_winchester/pseuds/wolfie_winchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Crowley can't get Castiel to cast Lucifer out of his vessel, he brings in the one person who might be able to turn the tide. But even after the angel is freed from possession, he doesn't understand why Sam and Dean went to all this trouble to save him. Especially when he's the last person who deserves it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> Catharsis, for those of you that might not know, is the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions. Which Cas definitely needs and which they will probably never give him in the show. 
> 
> I will keep writing fix-its until they fix Cas. So... I'll probably be writing for a while then.

Castiel sighs as the signal on his TV goes out. Normally the reception here is pretty good, but there are still times where it can be spotty. He reaches out to adjust the antenna, fiddling with it until the picture focuses again. He fixes it just in time to see Wile E. Coyote setting up his next trap for the Roadrunner. It won’t work, of course, because it never does. The Roadrunner is too clever, always managing to avoid capture no matter how elaborate Wile makes his traps.

 

He smiles as the Roadrunner zips through the painted tunnel on the canyon wall, knowing well what comes next. But just before the Coyote can chase after the bird and inevitably run smack into the wall, the signal cuts out again. The smile drops from his face and he reaches forward with a degree of frustration. Today looks like it’s going to be a bad day to try and watch his program.

 

While moving the antenna this way and that, he senses something change in the air. The scent of sulfur fills his nostrils and he turns, almost surprised to see the King of Hell standing on the other side of the room. Crowley tries convincing him to expel Lucifer, but Castiel doesn’t see the point. Nobody else can defeat Amara, so there’s really no reason to get rid of Lucifer. Besides, the archangel has been content to let him be alone in his own mind, watching television to pass the time.

 

Only the mention of Dean needing him makes him almost reconsider. Hearing that the Winchesters need him again is no surprise, but for a moment he could almost believe they want him too. He convinces himself that Dean is simply being objective, that the only reason Crowley is here is because they think he’ll be useful if they get rid of Lucifer. Unfortunately, that’s simply not the case. Cas knows full well that he’s not strong enough to take out Amara.

 

Besides, it’s nice here, in a way. Despite being possessed by the devil, Lucifer hasn’t really gone out of his way to do anything horrible to him. Crowley seems to think that he’s under the archangel’s control, that Lucifer has his metaphorical claws sunk into him, but Cas isn’t in any pain at all. In fact, he’s quite content right here. Now, if only he could get the TV working again, he can continue his show in relative peace and quiet.

 

“Fine,” Crowley eventually says, sounding fed up with him. “If you won’t listen to me, maybe you’ll listen to your boyfriend.”

 

The King of Hell snaps his fingers and Dean appears next to him, looking confused for a moment before he sees Cas sitting there. Determined is the only word that comes to mind when Cas looks up to see the hunter’s expression. Dean walks over to him and hauls him up and out of his chair by the collar of his coat. He’s expecting Dean to punch him or at least yell at him for making what he probably believes to be a stupid decision, and Cas has an argument all laid out to convince him that he’s wasting his time coming here. But he never gets to voice it because Dean just pulls him close and wraps his arms around him tightly like he once had all those years ago in Purgatory.

 

Cas blinks, surprised at the display of affection. He’d expected anger, frustration, maybe even a final goodbye because Dean is tired of dealing with him, but a hug is the last thing he thought the hunter would give him.

 

“Dean?” he says, thoroughly confused. “What are you doing?”

 

“I’m bringing you home,” Dean says gruffly, his face buried in Cas’ shoulder.

 

Home. It sounds nice, but Cas isn’t sure if he has one anymore. If he doesn’t die from Lucifer and Amara’s fight, Dean and Sam will certainly hate him for allowing the devil to possess him - for letting him out of his cage.

 

“I... I don’t understand,” he admits, pushing Dean away. “Why?”

 

“Why?” Dean repeats, incredulous. “Because you’re family, Cas! That’s why!”

 

Part of him wants to say, “You mean because you want to use my power,” but something about this place makes him complacent. He doesn’t want to get angry. This is his safe space away from Lucifer and he doesn’t want it tainted with too much negative emotion. Instead, he just shakes his head and wiggles out of Dean’s arms. The hunter watches in disbelief as Cas settles back into his seat and tries fixing the television again.

 

“Cas...” Dean says, sounding sad, almost. It’s confusing. Why does he sound so upset? Perhaps because he’s realizing how useless Cas really is? It’s the only logical conclusion Cas can come up with and he can’t blame Dean. These past few years have been trouble for the three of them, most of their problems stemming from the bad decisions Cas made. He would understand if Dean is upset with him after finally realizing just how much trouble he is.

 

“We need to go,” Crowley says, putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “He’s gone.”

 

“No!” Dean snaps, shrugging the demon off of him. “I’m not leaving without Cas.”

 

“Touching, but none of us will be leaving if Lucifer finds us.”

 

“And you’d be right about that.”

 

Cas barely glances up from his TV as Lucifer appears in the doorway. The archangel smiles and Crowley looks two seconds away from bolting. Dean adopts a defensive stance, ready to fight him off if need be. But for the moment, it seems that Lucifer’s interest is in Crowley.

 

“I’ve been looking for you, doggy,” Lucifer taunts. He reaches out and pets Crowley on the head. Crowley doesn’t even try to stop him, possibly paralyzed by fear. Dean, on the other hand, pushes Crowley aside and gets right up in Lucifer’s face.

 

“Let Cas go, you son of a bitch,” he growls.

 

Lucifer regards him curiously for a moment before he starts laughing. Dean scowls and the archangel continues to laugh, wiping away a fake tear. Crowley is still standing there watching and Cas is starting to wonder if he can even leave at all. Perhaps Lucifer has them both trapped here with his power.

 

“That’s cute,” Lucifer finally breathes, a mirthful smile on his face. “That’s really cute, Dean. ‘Let Cas go.’ Well, here’s the thing... Cas wanted this. He said yes to me for a reason. Isn’t that right, Castiel?”

 

Cas doesn’t acknowledge them, really just wanting to continue his show in peace. Lucifer takes that as a sign of agreement, however, and he turns back to face Dean.

 

“See?” he says. “He doesn’t even care if I’m wearing his meat suit. I expected more of a fight from him, but he’s been happy just sitting here in his own mind watching cartoons.”

 

Dean glances towards Cas, a desperate look on his face. Lucifer cackles again and shakes his head.

 

“Wow, you really are gone on him, aren’t you?” he laughs. “It’s pathetic, really.”

 

Still smiling, Lucifer grabs Dean and throws him across the room. Dean lets out a cry as he crashes into the wall and then Lucifer turns on Crowley, punching the demon until his face is a bloody mess. On the far end of the room, Dean struggles to his feet and then runs over to where Cas is seated. He pulls the angel up again and this time when he grabs hold of him, something pulls at Cas, the emotions he’s been keeping locked away starting to come to the surface.

 

“Cas, you have to get rid of him,” he pleads.

 

“Dean, I can’t,” Cas replies evenly, fighting to keep himself in check. Feeling only leads to pain, he’s learned, and he doesn’t want to be in pain any more. “Lucifer is a far better choice for defeating Amara.”

 

“Maybe he is, but he doesn’t have to possess you while he’s doing it,” Dean says, trying to reason with him. “Come on, man. I know we need him too, but we gotta get him another vessel. Yours isn’t an option.”

 

“On the contrary, Dean. My vessel is very strong,” Cas says, voice beginning to waver. He swallows and attempts to focus. “It held the Leviathans and all the souls of Purgatory and despite the odds, it has still been brought back after its destruction.”

 

Dean just shakes his head and lets out a humorless laugh.

 

“You and Sam both, huh?” he mutters. He glances over at where Lucifer is still beating Crowley to a pulp. The demon is crawling across the floor in an attempt to get away and Cas can hear something that sounds like Sam reciting an exorcism. Dean curses. “Listen, I don’t have a lot of time left. I think Crowley’s my link to you in here and if he leaves, I’m gone too. So you have to _listen_.”

 

Dean shakes him firmly but gently.

 

“First of all, you are not an _it_ , Cas. You’re an angel. And second, you’re family. We need you.”

 

“But Lucifer-”

 

“Lucifer can go right back to hell for all I care,” Dean snaps. “After we get him to finish off Amara, we’re gonna send his sorry ass back to the cage. But we can’t do that if he’s possessing you.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Dean looks like he either wants to yell or cry.

 

“Because he’s possessing _you_ ,” he says, like it’s supposed to be important. “You need to be safe before we try doing anything with Lucifer, capiche?”

 

The wall Cas has constructed during his time here to keep his emotions at bay begins to crack and he finds himself feeling hopeful. He smiles nervously, afraid that if he looks too happy about it Dean will take it all back.

 

“Yeah, I capiche.”

 

Dean smiles and he nods in approval.

 

“Good. Now cast him out before-”

 

Lucifer grabs the hunter before he can finish his sentence. Crowley is a bloody, unconscious heap on the floor and it looks like Dean is about to be next.

 

“You know, _you_ are the most annoying cockroach I’ve ever had the displeasure of dealing with,” Lucifer says casually. He shoves Dean into the wall and then punches him hard enough that blood gushes from his nose. “I’m glad that I finally get to crush you.” He punches Dean again and Cas hears bones breaking.

 

“Cas-”

 

“Enough with Castiel already!” Lucifer snaps, clearly irritated by Dean’s persistence. “He made his choice.”

 

“I did,” Cas finally says, summoning his strength. Lucifer pauses, turning to stare at him like he’s surprised to hear him talking at all. “But now I’m making another one.”

 

“You can’t be serious.”

 

“I am. Leave Dean alone and get out.”

 

Lucifer stares at him for a moment, and then looks down at Dean. He sighs and he shoves him to the side. The hunter joins Crowley on the floor and he tries to get up still, despite his injuries.

 

“Come now, Castiel. You can’t really mean that. You know that I’m the only one who can beat Amara.”

 

“Maybe,” Cas admits. “But you’re not using my vessel-” he pauses, glancing over at Dean before correcting himself. “You’re not using _me_ to do it.” He takes a step closer to Lucifer and draws on his grace that’s been dormant until now. “I won’t tell you again. Get. Out.”

 

The archangel sighs and he looks down at the ground as though contemplating what to do with him.

 

“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” he says. “But you give me no other choice, Castiel.”

 

Cas barely has time to react before Lucifer is in front of him, swinging at his head with a fist. He ducks and shoves the other angel back, using his grace to give it some force. Lucifer looks surprised that he’s fighting back, but he recovers quickly. For a while, Cas manages to dodge or block many of his blows, but then he fakes an attack towards Cas’ right. All the power of the archangel slams into his left side and now Lucifer is pushing him back, landing punch after punch while Cas tries to keep up with him.

 

When he glances over to where Dean had been, he notices that both the hunter and Crowley are gone. He doesn’t know when it happened, but Sam must have finished the exorcism. Faintly, he can hear Dean’s voice shouting him on, encouraging him to keep fighting.

 

“You can’t win,” Lucifer says, grabbing Cas by the coat and flinging him across the room. He walks over and stomps down on Cas’ chest with his foot. He can feel his ribs cracking under the force. “You’re weak, Castiel. Just a pitiful excuse for an angel that nobody wants. I would be doing you a favor putting you out of your misery.”

 

Cas glares up at him as the pressure on his chest increases. Somehow, he’s able to push Lucifer off balance and he pulls him down, scrambling to his feet before Lucifer can react to what’s happening. Lucifer grunts as Cas sets his boot on the archangel’s throat. He can feel him trying to push him off, but his grace is fully functional now and he has the upper hand finally.

 

“You will leave my body. _Now_.”

 

Light fills the room and Cas closes his eyes as he feels Lucifer’s presence withdrawing from him. When he open them again, he’s surrounded by flames, a red, fading sigil on the ground underneath him. There’s a bright light swirling in the air above them, searching for somewhere to go. Sam and Dean are gazing up at it and Crowley is getting to his feet, brushing himself off. In the corner of the room, mostly hidden in the doorway is a flash of red hair that Cas thinks must be Rowena. He doesn’t know how she survived, but the level of spellwork surrounding him is something only capable of a witch of her caliber.

 

All at once, the light retreats from the room, swirling out and through the window. Darkness slowly returns to the room and the only light being cast is from the flames surrounding him. Sam and Dean make quick work of putting them out and Dean pulls him into a crushing hug. Crowley huffs, muttering something about getting no thanks around here and disappears along with Rowena, leaving the three of them alone in the building.

 

“I knew you could do it,” Dean whispers.

 

Cas hesitantly slides his arms around the hunter, unsure if he’s allowed to return the affection.

 

“I’m so glad you’re back,” he says. “I missed you.”

 

“You did?”

 

“Of course I did, you idiot.” Dean smiles fondly at him. “I missed you every day that you weren’t home with me.” He glances over at Sam and then leans closer to quietly admit, “I prayed to you. Did you hear me?”

 

“No,” Cas says, feeling upset that he’d missed hearing Dean’s prayers. Lucifer probably blocked them and Cas had been none the wiser, apparently. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

 

“Don’t be. You got nothing to be sorry for,” Dean says. He helps him to his feet and wraps an arm around his waist, despite that Cas is pretty sure he can stand on his own. Cas lets out a mirthless chuckle at Dean’s comment.

 

“You’re very wrong about that,” he says. “I have everything to be sorry for. If it weren’t for me, Lucifer wouldn’t have been freed in the first place. This whole mess we’re in is my fault.”

 

“Don’t be so dramatic, Cas,” Dean jokes, laughing nervously as though he’s not sure if Cas is serious or not. “We all make mistakes.”

 

“Your mistakes didn’t lead to you releasing an ancient evil upon the world,” Cas says. “Dean, when the Mark of Cain disappeared from your arm, it was because I worked with Rowena and Crowley to remove it despite your wishes otherwise. I deceived you. So don’t say that I have nothing to be sorry for, because you’re wrong.”

 

Dean stares quietly at him and Cas needs him to understand. He needs him to know why he had said yes to Lucifer in the first place. Cas moves away from Dean and tries to ignore the hurt look on his face. He’s so tired of hurting Dean and he just wishes that the hunter would stop trying to save him when all he’s ever done is bring them pain. Sometimes he thinks they’d all be better off if he just killed himself.

 

“Dean, I’m not good luck,” Cas says. Before either he or Sam can react, he plows ahead. “Everything that has happened these past few years has been a consequence of my actions. The Leviathans, the fall, the Darkness, and now freeing Lucifer from his cage. And yet despite my numerous failings, you still try to save me. Don’t you two understand?” He lets out a hysterical laugh that makes the brothers wince.

 

“I don’t deserve to be saved! I don’t deserve your forgiveness! You should have left me to die in Purgatory, Dean, because let’s be honest here, we all would have been better off.”

 

“Cas, it’s not-”

 

“Don’t make excuses for me!” he snaps, voice raising to shouting level. “You say that we all make mistakes, but the problem is I never learn. I keep making the same stupid decisions over and over!” He smiles sadly. “You were right. I am just like a child. And one of these days, I’m going to get us all killed.”

 

The brothers are silent for a while before Dean finally chances taking a step closer to him. He lays a hand on Cas’ shoulder and pulls him in slowly, like he’s afraid he might scare the angel away. Cas doesn’t realize how fast and heavily he’s breathing until he hears Sam telling him to calm down. His legs feel weak under him and though he doesn’t need air, his lungs still feel starved for it. He crumples slowly, with Dean cushioning his fall and simply cradling him to his chest when they hit the ground.

 

“I-I’m so sorry,” he hiccups, vision blurring. His cheeks are growing warm and he’s trembling like a leaf in the wind. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay,” Dean murmurs, rubbing his back. That just makes it worse and Cas chokes on a quiet cry.

 

“Why do you keep saying that?” he croaks. “It’s not okay. I’m an abomination, Dean. You shouldn’t want me around. Why... why do you-”

 

“Because you’re family.”

 

Cas lets out a sob and buries his face in Dean’s shirt. He feels Dean rubbing his back again and the slow movement of them rocking together.

 

“Just let it out, Cas,” he hears Sam say. “You’ll feel better.”

 

The room fills with the sound of his crying and he hates it. He hates feeling so weak, having so little control over his own emotions. It’d been easy while trapped in his own mind. The only thing he had to worry about was the TV. Emotions had been a distant thing and so long as Lucifer had left him alone, he didn’t have to face the pain that came with feeling.

 

Now it just feels like somebody has opened up his chest with a hundred hot knives. He can’t stop crying and he knows that Sam and Dean must be tired of him by now. He tries to pull away, to apologize and leave before he can burden them even more with his loathsome presence but Dean’s stronger than he looks and Sam also has a firm hand on his back. He struggles in their grip for all of three seconds before he gives in. He doesn’t know whether to be frustrated or grateful.

 

When he can finally breathe again, Cas feels drained. He doesn’t know if he feels _better_ per se, but he does feel different. Like the weight that had been dragging him down has lifted slightly. The pressure in his chest is gone and the only evidence of his breakdown is the wet patch on Dean’s shirt and the remaining moisture on his cheeks.

 

He wipes away his tears and tries to get up again, but Sam and Dean won’t let him and they shush him when he tells them that he should leave.

 

“You’re not going anywhere,” Dean says. “You’ve been gone long enough.”

 

“After all this... you still want me around?” Cas asks hoarsely.

 

“Of course we do,” Sam replies, smiling reassuringly at him. He pats Cas on the shoulder. “Dean’s right. You’re family, Cas. And honestly, I kind of need you to stick around. Dean’s been all mopey and sad ever since he found out Lucifer was possessing you and he’s been driving me insane.”

 

Dean swats at his brother half heartedly and Sam chuckles softly before nudging Cas.

 

“So, what do you say? You can stay and make Dean happy and he won’t annoy me anymore,” Sam jokes. “Two birds, one stone. And besides, I uh...” he smiles at him fondly. “I missed you too.”

 

Cas knows that it’s probably not the wisest choice, but he’s the king of making bad decisions, after all.

  
“Well, when you put it that way, I guess I’ll have to stay.”


End file.
